The Cave

How does a person go from wanting all the lifesaving techniques /treatments that a President would receive, to a month later not wanting to take any pills or virtually drink & eat?  I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Maybe Granny has had deeper conversations & discernments from God than she is willing to share.  I certainly hope so! But I am unable to shake the feeling that this is coming from a place of anger, bitterness or fear and quite possibly all of the above. 

I continue to pray that God softens her heart & helps her find a positive attitude.  I continue to cry out for big love & beauty amidst the hard, but as I write this I’m struggling to find any of it.  The pit in my stomach won’t leave & I’ve come to the stark realization that I can’t control any of it. It’s a merry go round that I can’t stop & seems to keep speeding up faster & faster. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding. 

I am putting my Faith & Trust that Granny is in a cave right now.  One of my favorite lines form the book “If You Want to Walk on Water You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat”, by John Ortberg is:

   Sometimes you are in a cave, and no human action is able to get you out. There is something you can’t fix, can’t heal or can’t escape.  And all you can do is trust God. Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in his presence, so convinced of his goodness, so devoted to his lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be because he is there with you. Pg. 150

“Sooner or later everybody logs some time in the cave”, says Ortberg. My hope is Granny realizes that in the cave is where God does some of his best work molding us and shaping us.  It’s where God meets us.  And where we can learn & follow his plans.

The most frequent Psalm in the bible consists of someone complaining to God.  It is called the Psalm of lament.  And our loving, ever amazing Heavenly Father encourages his people to do this!   He longs for us to get quiet enough before the Lord to get to the bottom of our pain and discouragement. 

    O Lord how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?  Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.  Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.  But I trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he’s good to me. Psalm 13:1-6

Granny is very impatient right now.  I pray she knows God’s unfailing steadfast love. That she is able to trust him wholeheartedly and not succumb to the weight of her diagnosis.  That she does not give up or in on God.  But rather she knows in the marrow of her bones that she is just as valued and loved by God when she is discouraged, that she feels his grip of love stronger now than ever before.

Above all I pray she is fully honest with God, as John Ortberg says, “God is never a God of discouragement. When you have a discouraging spirit or train of thought in your mind, you can be sure it’s not from God. He sometimes brings pain to his children-conviction over sin, or repentance over fallenness, or challenges that scare us, or visions of holiness that overwhelms us. But God never brings discouragement.  Always his guidance leads to motivation and life.”

The Lord is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger so why should I tremble?  Psalm 27:1-2

And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly prepare God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. I am in chains now still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.  Ephesians 6:19-20

💕  Heidi

Soft Hearts

7/22/17

Yesterday began with more tears.  I'm leaving for a week in Detroit with 24 6th, 7th & 8th graders from church.  A week seems like a very finite & precious amount of time in the middle of a disease.

I poured my heart out to Brad.  I don't know how to navigate this uncharted course.  Where do I find the step by step instruction manual?  It seems so hard & difficult, but in the midst of it I hope & pray there is beauty, grace & love.

I pray that God's Big Love shows up in Detroit.  That it shows up in beauty among pain & heartbreak, that it shows up as Jesus through the compassion of people's eyes & that it shows up through signs that only God could have orchestrated.

In the process of this journey I find myself praying that Jesus keeps my Granny's heart soft (mine, too!) Soft enough to give, receive or just ask.  That's what Jesus wants from us, too.  He wants us to stay soft.  To stay open to his Goodness in a world in which there are so many days that can make us hard & bitter.  Jesus wants to give & receive & yes, he wants us to ask as well.

"Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

Lord, keep our hearts soft....

💕 Heidi

Loving My Granny

7/21/17

Yesterday I went to visit Granny. I cried the entire way there.  I wondered out loud how the hell I would be brave & strong enough to hold it together for her!? It seemed like an insurmountable assignment. 

The little girls accompanied me on this trip.  We stopped along the way to find a little something to bring her.  I wanted to bring her Kombucha because of it's Cancer healing properties, but Hy-Vee in Rochester had none. The girls picked an array of colorful carnations & roses & a kissing heart faced emoji pillow as the items to bring. 

When we arrived my Aunt Denise greeted us at the sliding glass patio door.  We brought in our recently purchased gifts & had to try our best to explain to Granny what an emoji was. 

While we were there Brooke mostly played toys.  Clara, on the other hand, stuck close to my side.  Her sweet, sweet heart feels my pain.  Her strong intuition & her young, but wise, older soul get it.  She has a vast understanding beyond her years of what this means & why my heart aches.  She will be an amazing mom & caretaker someday.

While at the "Farm" I found myself wanting to photograph any & everything.  My feeble attempt at trying to freeze time.  But I'm learning on this journey that some things are mine to hold with an open hand rather than an Iron fist.

Granny expressed her frustration at being diagnosed with Leukemia and the lack of options for its treatment.  She feels that if she were the President or even John McCain more options would be offered. I told her we would take it one day at a time & we would all try & figure out things together.  

She gave me a picture of my Grandpa as a boy.  I knew right away it was him from his huge smile.   He was sitting in a wagon with a dog that resembled Gretzky hanging out right next to him.  She said it was taken at Frank & Etta's farm, the Old Hinckley Farm in Dover.  She, also, gave me a bunch of her favorite Costco microwaveable popcorn.

I'm not exactly sure why she felt compelled to give me these gifts, but I'm willing to guess God & my Gramps nudged her to do so.  I sign that they are both always with her.  

We talked about how God sees & knows her pain before she's even uttered a word.  That it's OK to be angry....he already know what's on her heart.  That he just wants her to lean on him & invite him to help.  He will help us navigate the hard.  We just need to ask him.

We had a hodge podge lunch of chicken salad, crackers, cheese, grapes, tortilla chips, corn casserole & cookies.  Denise & Granny laughed at the randomness of it all. After lunch, I explained to Denise my anxiety over going to Detroit for a whole entire week.  She gave me a big bear hug & told me God would be there for me.  She understands.

Later that afternoon my cousin, Alicia & Granny's Pastor Heather stopped in.  We all spent the afternoon talking about what fun adventures we could go on, yet: Pedicures, boat rides, trolley rides limos, sleepovers, shopping sprees & drives to visit important places from our past.

Granny joked about what we would say someday after she was gone about all her "things".  Denise was sure us girls would have a hay day looking through her closet.  I told her especially the shoes! (because her & I wear the same size)

We reminisced about all the vacations we have been fortunate enough to take together.  I've traveled to Out State New York, South Dakota & Maine with  her!  We laughed at Granny's travel staple of Jello being brought along on each trip.  Because in her words, "It keeps you regular & wards of diarrhea."

We chuckled about her comment of "We really aren't stopping?!", when 7 of us piled into an SUV & drove straight through to Boston.  We belly laughed about the fact we also brought along a potty chair on that trip as Braeden was deathly afraid to use the public restrooms at rest stops.  

That entire afternoon Granny was wishing all the fawns that reside in her woodlands would come by for a visit.  She apparently has 2 sets of twins & a singleton that have paid visits to her.  But,alas they didn't come.

It came time for our goodbyes & I love yous.  I asked Denise to put me on the care taking list & keep me in the loop while I was in Detroit.  I told Granny to, "Behave" while I was gone. As we were leaving Clara said, "Mom, you want to remember how this (her, her home, the land, etc) is." Oh, sweetheart more than you can imagine!

Upon beginning our journey home I instructed the girls to keep their eyes out for storm damage from the prior night's thunderstorms.  As we were rounding the corner adjacent to the quarry near Granny's road, there stood a Young Buck in the ditch.  He stared at us for a stretch, crossed the gravel road in front of us into the woods on the other side & stared some more.  A sign, a gift from God & just quite possibly my Gramps keeping watch over her. 

"He makes my feet like the feet of a deer: he enables me to stand on the heights." Psalm 18:33

💕Heidi

The diagnosis

7/20/17

I answered the phone & it was my mom crying on the other end, "Granny didn't get good news," & she immediately passed the phone off to my Dad.  My gist of the conversation with him was that she was given 3 options:

1. Don't treat it & make her comfortable.
2. Don't treat it & have hospice come in.
3. Try an experimental drug. If she decides on this treatment, they believe the average life expectancy to be 2-3 months.  Additionally she will need 24/7 care.

I hung up the phone & just bawled my eyes out.  I sobbed trying to tell the kids the news.
But in that moment of deep disappoint, there came clarity.  I have struggled with "purpose" for a very long time. My babies are growing up & the natural question everyone asks is, "What will you do when all the kids are in school?" And in my head & heart I had absolutely no idea or even direction to go to answer that question.

I received a prophetic prayer a year ago whereby I was told that I was in a season of rest.  But in the moment of "the diagnosis" it became clear. My purpose is a caretaker.  A caretaker can & and will take many forms in each season of life.  This fall I will have mornings & 2 days each week that I can spend with My Granny.  God has known & designed this plan all along.

That evening I needed to go to the grocery store & didn't want to be alone.  I asked Brad to come with me.  Have you ever had a moment when your heart is hurting so badly & you have to venture out in public? It was one of those moments for me.  It was one of those times that I hoped I didn't run into anyone I knew, but also that in the eyes I strangers passing by I saw Jesus.  That somehow their eyes spoke to my heart of love, understanding & compassion.  Weird to understand, I know.

But in normal Traveling Circus fashion, Brad had to leave me at the grocery store to run a kid to a practice. In that moment of being completely alone, I found that much needed compassion & understanding in an acquaintance.  I found Jesus!

That night my soul longed to visit & talk with my beautiful friend, Jenny.  It had been too long since our last conversation & she is one of the most faith filled people I know.  She has an incredible way of describing with her words and scripture how God will be there in some of the hardest moments of our lives & how much he deeply loves us always.  She challenged me to find God every single day.  To find at least one time each day that God showed up.

Tomorrow morning I leave for a Mission Trip to Detroit with Junior High Kids form Trinity Lutheran Church.  I pray God will show up big time in the stories, the people, the service, the surroundings.  But mostly I pray that while I'm gone for an entire week that God wraps my Granny in Love & Peace & keeps her safe.

💕Heidi