Thank you Granny

Granny,

I want to take the time to thank you for always being there for all the milestones in my life.  From singing Christmas Carols at the farm, to Brandy Slush's for the holidays.  From my college hockey game in Winona to college graduation.  From my Wedding Day to traveling all the way to Appleton, WI for Braeden's birth and every moment and milestone in between, you were there.  You demonstrated that I mattered.

One of my fondest memories is the numerous times I sat on the floor in front of you as you stroked the curls of my hair.  This simple act always made me feel so much love.  Even now I can still feel your hands caressing my hair ever so gently.

Thank you for all the countless times you checked up on me when I was sick and even cleaned and did the dishes.  Thank you for putting up with my teenage attitude when we worked together pureeing bread at the nursing home. Thank you for staying with me after Preston was born and sweeping under all the furniture for me.  I am grateful for every big and small moment of life we have shared and done together.

And oh, the trips we were able to take!  We traveled to Pam's wedding in New Your where you were in charge of the pill bottle of quarters for the toll roads.  Your brought along a cooler of Jell-O so no one suffered from traveler's diarrhea.  And we wound up getting lost in Ohio only to find ourselves at the Football Hall of Fame in Canton.

Years later we ventured to South Dakota.  We took in Mount Rushmore and Terry Redlin's Art Gallery in North Dakota.  Sarah & I still laugh at the fact that some boys in a hotel hot tub tried to pick us up on a vacation with our Grandparents!

And who could forget the biggest adventure of them all, 7 of us sandwiched for 24 hours in a Suburban bound for Boston, MA.  You uttering your famous quote of, "We really aren't stopping to stay!?"  We were positive Gramps was looking down from Heaven chuckling at what a motley crew we were.  Sandwiched in that SUV, among other things was a very pregnant lady, a potty chair for a little boy deathly afraid of public restrooms and the famous Jell-O to prevent any sort of GI disturbances.

On that trip, we experienced the Freedom Trail, Acadia National Park, Hinckley Yachts and a fresh lobster meal.  Brad was nearly arrested for videotaping at the Canadian Border and two imaginative three year old boys created a fictional story about Tiny Hono, Jimmy Balanos and a Giant Pea Pod.
The things we did and the places we saw are scrapbooked and forever etched on heart and in my memories.

In this journey called life, thank you for teaching me about showing up.  Teaching me to just be there for people and love them.  One of your greatest gifts is just showing up for us.  Showing up with no agenda in mind but to be in community with and love your people.  I know you, because you allowed me to know and love you.  It may be some of the best work you've ever done. And it's beautiful to behold.

And now as you are at the gateways of heaven, the idea that someday you won't be here to share in the adventures and milestones is unfathomable.  I don't know how to let you go.  But in the meantime and long after, I will go on loving you and this family.

One day you will find yourself on the other side.  God will meet you there and kiss away your tears. Your pain gone and your joy unspeakable! God will be waiting for you--can you imagine his face?!?!
Can you imagine his joy at seeing his beautiful daughter?!

Heaven is greater than anything I could ever imagine.  And while I don't want the world to go on without you, I do want this beautiful joy for you.  I want your paid to go away, your mind to be free of worry and anxiety and for you be joyfully reunited with Gramps! I'm certain it will be quite the commotion!

I imagine heaven will be full of deer and cardinals.  There will be lush fields tended to by a beautiful woman, her beauty will radiate from the inside like it did on Earth.  There will be many chairs to sit and watch the animals abound and rock great grandbabies that have gone before her.  Everyone will recognize each other without introduction.  There will be plenty of joy and laughter, hugs and rejoicing and no pain or suffering will remain. There will be family dinners, red purses and an endless supply of beautiful clothing.  Brandy and Beer will be offered up and there will be plenty of dancing and music.
           
                  The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will sing for joy! Springs will                     gush forth in the Wilderness, and streams will water the wasteland." Isaiah 35:6

One day I will meet you in this place.  Our relationship will be more beautiful there than here on Earth.  One day I will sit with you in the presence of God and amidst the exquisite backdrop of Heaven--what a glorious day that will be!  For now I will treasure each and every moment I have had and will have with you, because I was here with you and I wanted you to know it was beautiful!  I love you Granny!

Love,

❤Heidi (Hooter)

The Cave

How does a person go from wanting all the lifesaving techniques /treatments that a President would receive, to a month later not wanting to take any pills or virtually drink & eat?  I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Maybe Granny has had deeper conversations & discernments from God than she is willing to share.  I certainly hope so! But I am unable to shake the feeling that this is coming from a place of anger, bitterness or fear and quite possibly all of the above. 

I continue to pray that God softens her heart & helps her find a positive attitude.  I continue to cry out for big love & beauty amidst the hard, but as I write this I’m struggling to find any of it.  The pit in my stomach won’t leave & I’ve come to the stark realization that I can’t control any of it. It’s a merry go round that I can’t stop & seems to keep speeding up faster & faster. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding. 

I am putting my Faith & Trust that Granny is in a cave right now.  One of my favorite lines form the book “If You Want to Walk on Water You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat”, by John Ortberg is:

   Sometimes you are in a cave, and no human action is able to get you out. There is something you can’t fix, can’t heal or can’t escape.  And all you can do is trust God. Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in his presence, so convinced of his goodness, so devoted to his lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be because he is there with you. Pg. 150

“Sooner or later everybody logs some time in the cave”, says Ortberg. My hope is Granny realizes that in the cave is where God does some of his best work molding us and shaping us.  It’s where God meets us.  And where we can learn & follow his plans.

The most frequent Psalm in the bible consists of someone complaining to God.  It is called the Psalm of lament.  And our loving, ever amazing Heavenly Father encourages his people to do this!   He longs for us to get quiet enough before the Lord to get to the bottom of our pain and discouragement. 

    O Lord how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?  Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.  Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.  But I trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he’s good to me. Psalm 13:1-6

Granny is very impatient right now.  I pray she knows God’s unfailing steadfast love. That she is able to trust him wholeheartedly and not succumb to the weight of her diagnosis.  That she does not give up or in on God.  But rather she knows in the marrow of her bones that she is just as valued and loved by God when she is discouraged, that she feels his grip of love stronger now than ever before.

Above all I pray she is fully honest with God, as John Ortberg says, “God is never a God of discouragement. When you have a discouraging spirit or train of thought in your mind, you can be sure it’s not from God. He sometimes brings pain to his children-conviction over sin, or repentance over fallenness, or challenges that scare us, or visions of holiness that overwhelms us. But God never brings discouragement.  Always his guidance leads to motivation and life.”

The Lord is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger so why should I tremble?  Psalm 27:1-2

And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly prepare God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. I am in chains now still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.  Ephesians 6:19-20

💕  Heidi

Soft Hearts

7/22/17

Yesterday began with more tears.  I'm leaving for a week in Detroit with 24 6th, 7th & 8th graders from church.  A week seems like a very finite & precious amount of time in the middle of a disease.

I poured my heart out to Brad.  I don't know how to navigate this uncharted course.  Where do I find the step by step instruction manual?  It seems so hard & difficult, but in the midst of it I hope & pray there is beauty, grace & love.

I pray that God's Big Love shows up in Detroit.  That it shows up in beauty among pain & heartbreak, that it shows up as Jesus through the compassion of people's eyes & that it shows up through signs that only God could have orchestrated.

In the process of this journey I find myself praying that Jesus keeps my Granny's heart soft (mine, too!) Soft enough to give, receive or just ask.  That's what Jesus wants from us, too.  He wants us to stay soft.  To stay open to his Goodness in a world in which there are so many days that can make us hard & bitter.  Jesus wants to give & receive & yes, he wants us to ask as well.

"Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

Lord, keep our hearts soft....

💕 Heidi

Loving My Granny

7/21/17

Yesterday I went to visit Granny. I cried the entire way there.  I wondered out loud how the hell I would be brave & strong enough to hold it together for her!? It seemed like an insurmountable assignment. 

The little girls accompanied me on this trip.  We stopped along the way to find a little something to bring her.  I wanted to bring her Kombucha because of it's Cancer healing properties, but Hy-Vee in Rochester had none. The girls picked an array of colorful carnations & roses & a kissing heart faced emoji pillow as the items to bring. 

When we arrived my Aunt Denise greeted us at the sliding glass patio door.  We brought in our recently purchased gifts & had to try our best to explain to Granny what an emoji was. 

While we were there Brooke mostly played toys.  Clara, on the other hand, stuck close to my side.  Her sweet, sweet heart feels my pain.  Her strong intuition & her young, but wise, older soul get it.  She has a vast understanding beyond her years of what this means & why my heart aches.  She will be an amazing mom & caretaker someday.

While at the "Farm" I found myself wanting to photograph any & everything.  My feeble attempt at trying to freeze time.  But I'm learning on this journey that some things are mine to hold with an open hand rather than an Iron fist.

Granny expressed her frustration at being diagnosed with Leukemia and the lack of options for its treatment.  She feels that if she were the President or even John McCain more options would be offered. I told her we would take it one day at a time & we would all try & figure out things together.  

She gave me a picture of my Grandpa as a boy.  I knew right away it was him from his huge smile.   He was sitting in a wagon with a dog that resembled Gretzky hanging out right next to him.  She said it was taken at Frank & Etta's farm, the Old Hinckley Farm in Dover.  She, also, gave me a bunch of her favorite Costco microwaveable popcorn.

I'm not exactly sure why she felt compelled to give me these gifts, but I'm willing to guess God & my Gramps nudged her to do so.  I sign that they are both always with her.  

We talked about how God sees & knows her pain before she's even uttered a word.  That it's OK to be angry....he already know what's on her heart.  That he just wants her to lean on him & invite him to help.  He will help us navigate the hard.  We just need to ask him.

We had a hodge podge lunch of chicken salad, crackers, cheese, grapes, tortilla chips, corn casserole & cookies.  Denise & Granny laughed at the randomness of it all. After lunch, I explained to Denise my anxiety over going to Detroit for a whole entire week.  She gave me a big bear hug & told me God would be there for me.  She understands.

Later that afternoon my cousin, Alicia & Granny's Pastor Heather stopped in.  We all spent the afternoon talking about what fun adventures we could go on, yet: Pedicures, boat rides, trolley rides limos, sleepovers, shopping sprees & drives to visit important places from our past.

Granny joked about what we would say someday after she was gone about all her "things".  Denise was sure us girls would have a hay day looking through her closet.  I told her especially the shoes! (because her & I wear the same size)

We reminisced about all the vacations we have been fortunate enough to take together.  I've traveled to Out State New York, South Dakota & Maine with  her!  We laughed at Granny's travel staple of Jello being brought along on each trip.  Because in her words, "It keeps you regular & wards of diarrhea."

We chuckled about her comment of "We really aren't stopping?!", when 7 of us piled into an SUV & drove straight through to Boston.  We belly laughed about the fact we also brought along a potty chair on that trip as Braeden was deathly afraid to use the public restrooms at rest stops.  

That entire afternoon Granny was wishing all the fawns that reside in her woodlands would come by for a visit.  She apparently has 2 sets of twins & a singleton that have paid visits to her.  But,alas they didn't come.

It came time for our goodbyes & I love yous.  I asked Denise to put me on the care taking list & keep me in the loop while I was in Detroit.  I told Granny to, "Behave" while I was gone. As we were leaving Clara said, "Mom, you want to remember how this (her, her home, the land, etc) is." Oh, sweetheart more than you can imagine!

Upon beginning our journey home I instructed the girls to keep their eyes out for storm damage from the prior night's thunderstorms.  As we were rounding the corner adjacent to the quarry near Granny's road, there stood a Young Buck in the ditch.  He stared at us for a stretch, crossed the gravel road in front of us into the woods on the other side & stared some more.  A sign, a gift from God & just quite possibly my Gramps keeping watch over her. 

"He makes my feet like the feet of a deer: he enables me to stand on the heights." Psalm 18:33

💕Heidi

The diagnosis

7/20/17

I answered the phone & it was my mom crying on the other end, "Granny didn't get good news," & she immediately passed the phone off to my Dad.  My gist of the conversation with him was that she was given 3 options:

1. Don't treat it & make her comfortable.
2. Don't treat it & have hospice come in.
3. Try an experimental drug. If she decides on this treatment, they believe the average life expectancy to be 2-3 months.  Additionally she will need 24/7 care.

I hung up the phone & just bawled my eyes out.  I sobbed trying to tell the kids the news.
But in that moment of deep disappoint, there came clarity.  I have struggled with "purpose" for a very long time. My babies are growing up & the natural question everyone asks is, "What will you do when all the kids are in school?" And in my head & heart I had absolutely no idea or even direction to go to answer that question.

I received a prophetic prayer a year ago whereby I was told that I was in a season of rest.  But in the moment of "the diagnosis" it became clear. My purpose is a caretaker.  A caretaker can & and will take many forms in each season of life.  This fall I will have mornings & 2 days each week that I can spend with My Granny.  God has known & designed this plan all along.

That evening I needed to go to the grocery store & didn't want to be alone.  I asked Brad to come with me.  Have you ever had a moment when your heart is hurting so badly & you have to venture out in public? It was one of those moments for me.  It was one of those times that I hoped I didn't run into anyone I knew, but also that in the eyes I strangers passing by I saw Jesus.  That somehow their eyes spoke to my heart of love, understanding & compassion.  Weird to understand, I know.

But in normal Traveling Circus fashion, Brad had to leave me at the grocery store to run a kid to a practice. In that moment of being completely alone, I found that much needed compassion & understanding in an acquaintance.  I found Jesus!

That night my soul longed to visit & talk with my beautiful friend, Jenny.  It had been too long since our last conversation & she is one of the most faith filled people I know.  She has an incredible way of describing with her words and scripture how God will be there in some of the hardest moments of our lives & how much he deeply loves us always.  She challenged me to find God every single day.  To find at least one time each day that God showed up.

Tomorrow morning I leave for a Mission Trip to Detroit with Junior High Kids form Trinity Lutheran Church.  I pray God will show up big time in the stories, the people, the service, the surroundings.  But mostly I pray that while I'm gone for an entire week that God wraps my Granny in Love & Peace & keeps her safe.

💕Heidi

The Love for the Lakota Project

Brad & I are spear heading a project we've entitled "Love for the Lakota".  The journey to this project began with us having the privilege of helping lead Junior High Students in a Church wide Lenten Book study of the book "If You Want to Walk on Water You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat" by John Ortberg.  On page 93 of the book John Ortberg challenges his readers to pray for something for 6 months. He says, "What are you praying for?" Give it six months.  I'll make you a deal--I'll give you the "Bob Challenge".  If you pray every day for 6 months and nothing extraordinary happens, write me."  I started praying for the Children of the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.  I've never met any Children from Pine Ridge and I've never been to Pine Ridge.  But it is a Mission Trip I've always wanted to take, but I've always been able come up with a million reasons not to go...It's over Minnesota's MEA school break.... I have 5 kids, etc, etc.

Around this same time I was feel bogged down by the competitive nature of my home based business Mama Bucks Designs​.  I was striving to be the best and I knew that was not the Woman God was calling me to be. Instead, he was saying, "I don't want you to strive.  Leave the results up to me."

Brad knew that connecting my business to some sort of Mission Work was on my heart and that I had felt God's whispers toward it.  He, also, knew that the Children of Pine Ridge were near the top.  He set out researching on how we could help the children from our home.  He found a site that connects people to Agencies and Contacts on Pine Ridge.  We found their needs were great and the choices were many.  I felt plagued by "Analysis Paralysis" and couldn't see a clear cut direction to take with the project. So, I just continued praying.

In July, while at a concert for a group called Boiling Point.  I heard them sing this song called, "If Love":
The Lyrics are:

What walls would fall if love ruled our hearts?
What scars could heal with time?
Swallow hard and think about this thought.
What have you done with your life?

Chorus:
Have you loved with compassion?
Kept yourself from hate?
Have you loved like a Savior who gave it all?
Have you looked upon your neighbor with grace in your heart?
Do you know why the greatest is still love?

Verse 2:
What stones would fall if love consumed our hearts
What words could lips find to speak?
What have we done to show the world God's love?
How have we worked for peace?

Chorus:
Have you loved with compassion?
Kept yourself from hate?
Have you loved like a Savior who gave it all?
Have you looked upon your neighbor with grace in your heart?
Do you know why the greatest is still love?

Bridge:
God teach us to know,
the differences between are so temporary
I still believe in love

Chorus 2:
Have we loved with compassion?
Kept ourselves from hate?
Have we loved like a Savior who gave it all?
Have we looked upon our neighbor with grace in our hearts?
Do we know why the greatest is still love?

And Tears fell, and the name "MLoved" popped into my head.  I want every child to know:

You are Loved
You are Worthy
You are Enough

MLoved by Mama Bucks Designs

Fast Forward to this Fall.  I knew I needed to go to Pine Ridge I needed know the hearts of it's people. But, also, knew I needed Brad to go, too.  We went to a meeting about the trip a couple weeks ago and learned that we would be delivering the school supplies our church Trinity Lutheran had collected (and collects every year) to Wounded Knee School.  There was so much familiarity in that name.  Brad and I rushed home to look the school up on our Friends of Pine Ridge Website and sure enough it was listed as one of the agencies that accepts donations from afar.  But more than that this is what I read. 

Donate Student Store Incentives
WKDS students earn Warrior Bucks for participating in class, exhibiting Lakota values, completing homework, and good behavior. They can spend those bucks at the Warrior Store. They school can use donations of all sorts of small items for the store--art supplies, craft supply kits, matchbox cars, greeting cards and stationery, bubbles, paper dolls, jump ropes, sketchbooks and drawing pencils, watercolor sets, coloring books, glitter glue pens, activity books, toiletries for the teens, zippered cases, hair accessories, small games and toys, index cards, fun pencils and gel pens, novelty erasers, stickers, notebooks, journals, Mad Libs, university branded pencils/pens, and more.

HAIR ACCESSORIES!!!!  This was my AHA moment, hair accessories.  This is were Mama Bucks meets Warrior Bucks. 

Within days after our initial Pine Ridge Trip meeting, we learned about Thrivent Action Teams.  A Thrivent Action Team starts with an idea powered by your passion. Bring a team together to make an immediate impact on a cause you care about and Thrivent helps you get a start. 

But we need YOUR HELP.  We know our timing is short, but God's timing is always perfect.  We know Trinity Lutheran Church has done an amazing job collecting school supplies, but we feel God's calling to do something more and different as well! 

We are asking our family, friends, community, church and even strangers to assist us with the Love for the Lakota project in the following ways:

1. Donate non perishable snacks - Did you know that 100% of the children at Wounded Knee School are on the free lunch program.  Many often come to school hungry.  Can you imagine trying to learn when your focus is on your hunger or when you might get your next meal or snack?

2. Donate prizes for the Warrior Store.  Children are awarded Warrior Bucks from any staff member for participating in class, completing assignments, adhering to Lakota values and for modeling good behavior.  The children can redeem the Warrior Bucks for prizes in the Warrior Store.

3. Donate Diapers, Wipes and Formula for the FACE program. The Wounded Knee School Baby FACE (Family and Child Education) is a program that teams educators with mothers as well as pregnant women and teen girls to ensure that their babies are healthy and to teach them how to ensure their babies are prepared for school as they grow into toddlers.
Baby FACE provides in-home visits as well as parenting classes, screening for vision and hearing, and developmental testing to engage new parents in early childhood learning practices.
I know our family loves and has benefitted greatly from the ECFE program here in MN.

We leave for Pine Ridge on Thursday, October 15th, so please provide donations by Oct. 14th.  Donations can be dropped at our home. Or mailed to The Love for the Lakota Project C/O The Meier Family, 609 S. Lincoln St., Owatonna, MN 55060. This can be done by mail or via Amazon.  Donations can also be brought to the Tee Pee at 609 S. Lincoln St just inside Trinity Lutheran Church.  Thank you for your time and consideration for this project!

 

Braeden's Life Verse