The Cave

How does a person go from wanting all the lifesaving techniques /treatments that a President would receive, to a month later not wanting to take any pills or virtually drink & eat?  I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Maybe Granny has had deeper conversations & discernments from God than she is willing to share.  I certainly hope so! But I am unable to shake the feeling that this is coming from a place of anger, bitterness or fear and quite possibly all of the above. 

I continue to pray that God softens her heart & helps her find a positive attitude.  I continue to cry out for big love & beauty amidst the hard, but as I write this I’m struggling to find any of it.  The pit in my stomach won’t leave & I’ve come to the stark realization that I can’t control any of it. It’s a merry go round that I can’t stop & seems to keep speeding up faster & faster. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all and finding that peace that surpasses all understanding. 

I am putting my Faith & Trust that Granny is in a cave right now.  One of my favorite lines form the book “If You Want to Walk on Water You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat”, by John Ortberg is:

   Sometimes you are in a cave, and no human action is able to get you out. There is something you can’t fix, can’t heal or can’t escape.  And all you can do is trust God. Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in his presence, so convinced of his goodness, so devoted to his lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be because he is there with you. Pg. 150

“Sooner or later everybody logs some time in the cave”, says Ortberg. My hope is Granny realizes that in the cave is where God does some of his best work molding us and shaping us.  It’s where God meets us.  And where we can learn & follow his plans.

The most frequent Psalm in the bible consists of someone complaining to God.  It is called the Psalm of lament.  And our loving, ever amazing Heavenly Father encourages his people to do this!   He longs for us to get quiet enough before the Lord to get to the bottom of our pain and discouragement. 

    O Lord how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?  Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.  Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.  But I trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he’s good to me. Psalm 13:1-6

Granny is very impatient right now.  I pray she knows God’s unfailing steadfast love. That she is able to trust him wholeheartedly and not succumb to the weight of her diagnosis.  That she does not give up or in on God.  But rather she knows in the marrow of her bones that she is just as valued and loved by God when she is discouraged, that she feels his grip of love stronger now than ever before.

Above all I pray she is fully honest with God, as John Ortberg says, “God is never a God of discouragement. When you have a discouraging spirit or train of thought in your mind, you can be sure it’s not from God. He sometimes brings pain to his children-conviction over sin, or repentance over fallenness, or challenges that scare us, or visions of holiness that overwhelms us. But God never brings discouragement.  Always his guidance leads to motivation and life.”

The Lord is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger so why should I tremble?  Psalm 27:1-2

And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly prepare God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. I am in chains now still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.  Ephesians 6:19-20

💕  Heidi